Tag Archives: wife

Still Learning Through Suffering (A Life & Health Update)

God has moved in my life in mysterious ways, to teach me lessons I would not have learned by any other means. I have a wandering heart; I have an idolatrous heart. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above,” is a song that I can sing and mean.

After Liza was born (you can read about that treacherous pregnancy here), I was done with suffering. I needed a chance to breathe, settle, heal, and adapt to life again with a newborn. The trials were behind me, and it was onward and upward, or so I thought. We had sleepless nights (of course) and nursing difficulties (again), but those things were expected, and I was just content to finally have my girl in my arms. That first month was hard, recovering not only from a C-section, but from the horrific pelvic separation I get during pregnancy. I remember having NO idea how I was going to care of this baby, but my resourceful husband tied a sturdy basket to my walker with soft blankets inside, and that is how I got her around our house the first month. It was difficult, but it was happy, so happy.

I don’t think Liza was more than a month old when my church split. Blogger Land isn’t the place to divulge all that, but let it suffice to say it was sudden, unexpected, and drastic. It was upheaval that I certainly wasn’t looking for at the time, and it shook me.

I was tired then, really tired, but who isn’t tired with a newborn who has her days and nights mixed up? But then one night, when Liza was 2 months old, I fainted and my husband couldn’t wake me up. He called 911 and I woke up by the time they arrived, but fainted again when I got to the hospital. My hemoglobin had crashed dangerously low, and I needed a blood transfusion.

I continued to be tired, and honestly, I have been tired ever since, and have especially struggled to raise my iron levels.

Somewhere in the mix of this, I realized Liza was not meeting her milestones. At three months old she still couldn’t raise her head off my chest at all, and wasn’t able to turn her head to look to the side well either. I didn’t handle that realization well at first. Why couldn’t I move past these long years of difficulty? Why would God put me through all these difficulties, and then place me in a situation where I worried daily for the baby I had waited so long for? I felt like all my happy moments were being tainted by the foreboding that hovered in the back of my mind, and I was driving myself crazy over it.

But you know what? God taught me about surrendering while I waited for that little peach to lift her head. He worked in my heart to accept whatever His hand had in store, and not to worry or be afraid. He took that worry from me, and when she was four months she finally lifted her head. And guess what? At 15 months old, she has started walking. She is doing great, and I have had extra joy at all of her milestones.

I turned 30 last September, and wrote about some of the lessons I learned in my twenties here. What I didn’t say, is that I really hoped, and even believed, that somehow the dawn of my thirties could mean the start of easier happiness. I don’t know if that expression makes any sense to you, but it does to me. Maybe my health issues could stay behind me. Maybe I could succeed in some of my goals. Travel somewhere. Further my education. Publish a book. Run around freely with my kids. Hike mountains with my husband.

Man I hate when the things I hope for in this life turn to disappointment. But I’m still just 30 right? There’s a lot of space between here and 40. Hoping can be such a difficult and painful endeavor.

Well, I think we have found the reason for my ceaseless exhaustion. I had a scope done through my throat and into my stomach before Christmas, which showed blood in the stomach and a large tumor which can be seen pressing into my stomach, changing the shape- kind of like how a fist pressing into a balloon would appear on the inside. The doctor said it has likely been developing for years, and it will need to come out. Continue reading

5 Lessons Learned from 20-30

I turned 30 this week and I am strangely excited about it. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and thought I’d list some of the things that stand out as lessons I’ve learned this decade. In no particular order here they go:

  1. One child, or person for that matter, means a lot to God, and if He has given you only one to care for, He has given you a precious and meaningful thing.

I spent a lot of my twenties caring for one child at a time. First I cared for one very special girl who had autism, then one sweet little boy I nannied for full time, and then my own beautiful daughter Adelle, who was my only child for nearly four years, and I was her stay-at-home mom. That was a lot of one-on-one time God gave me with three amazing children, and He saw fit to use the majority of my twenties in a way that seems so small, but I have no doubt in my mind of how significant and meaningful those times were.

  1. Being a mom, a wife, and a keeper of the home is enough.

This one really hits me hard, because last year I was not able to be Adelle’s primary caregiver, not because of choice, but because I was physically in too much pain. Being a mom isn’t easy, and being a mom when you have health problems sometimes feels impossible. Being a “home keeper” at times really has been impossible.

This year has been so much better, but I have really battled with anemia and ups and downs with pain issues, so at times I have definitely felt like I can’t “do my job.” But God has been good, He has helped us, and I have had a lot of good times this year. I am excited for our future as a family. I took my daughter Adelle for a bike ride the other day and I was so full of joy you might think I was loony. It felt like heaven to me, and I appreciate those times so much because of the times I have missed out on them. When we got back she asked me for a snack, and to my delight I still had enough energy to make one for her and one for my husband too. I was really excited to not be falling over half dead by the time I got home- I mean like, really excited.

Being a mom and wife in this family is something I can’t take for granted. I realize now what an incredible blessing it is, even though it can be so hard. God has given me more in this family than I could ever hope to find elsewhere, and I am so thankful. (Note, I am not saying women cannot do things outside of the home- I am currently taking a University course! But I don’t need to add to my role to find fulfillment or prove I am enough).

3. Job 2:10 “Shall we indeed receive good from God, and not accept adversity?”

I don’t know how many times I have battled this out. Enough times that I would hope I have really learned it, but it is usually a wrestling match. There is no peace when we don’t accept whatever comes from God’s hand. When we resist His will. When we say He is unfair, and when we actually believe we deserve something better, whether we say it out loud or not.

Whatever the circumstances, I have learned that God provides peace when I recognize that I do not ultimately get to have a claim to what I want or think is best for me. He knows. He is wiser than me.

  1. “If the Lord wills” is not a cliché. Those have become some of the most freeing and peace giving words in my life.

Going back to the last point, I have learned that I can accept adversity while hoping for and even pressing relentlessly towards relief from that adversity. If the Lord wills, I will overcome. If the Lord wills, He will bless my efforts. If the Lord wills, I can achieve my goals in spite of this adversity. And if He does not will, He will stop me in my tracks. He will thwart my efforts. He has the right to do that! He knows what is best. If I recognize that my life is in His almighty and loving hands to do with as He pleases, what is there left to fear?

  1. You don’t need it all by 30.

Speaking of thwarted plans- hah! Actually, I stand amazed at all the Lord has done in our lives. Two kids, a house, and my husband works from home full time running his business. I marvel how we ever made this work, and know it can only be because of God’s provision.

As far as my ambitions or even plain desires outside of this realm, God has often made me unable to run after them! He has kept my life small, and even the small things have often felt harder than I think they should, but small does not mean insignificant, and guess what? I’m only thirty y’all.